Jealousy Isn't Pretty

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We see a regular dose of it on reality TV shows, have experienced being on the receiving end of  it in our own personal and professional lives and may have even fallen prey to these feelings ourselves-I'm talking about Jealousy.

Jealousy ruins more friendships and relationships than anything else I can think of. When you look closely at the word jealousy there's something vital that stands out. The feeling of jealousy makes you feel 'lousy'. It is the inability to be happy for someone else's success or blessings in life because of personal insecurities. Jealousy is an emotion resulting from the belief that another person’s success or happiness somehow diminishes your own. It's a fear that can't be shaken for some-the fear that you might not have or get to experience what someone else has-your dream job, having a beautiful family, your parents attention when a sibling is involved, or an expensive new car. If they have 'x' then where does it leave you? 

If you look at the world from a place of abundance instead of scarcity, it’s actually difficult to become envious. Jealousy is very ego-based. Those that have feelings of jealousy must first adopt a scarcity mindset that suggests they're in competition with others. If they get something you have wanted then somehow they won and you lost.

Sometimes it seeps into romantic relationships. The fear of losing that person is so great that it paralyzes the relationship and does not let it become authentic and true. What if's go through your mind and suddenly knowing that person's every move becomes important because you might be able to stop something terrible from happening, like say them meeting someone else. In the end, it never serves anyone well-it alienates and smothers the person  you are trying to keep and hold dear.

The same happens in friendships too. Often it comes out in the form of judging and analyzing someones motives and becoming suspicious. All of a sudden you're an expert on why they did and said x, y, and z. This can often lead to the dissolution of friendships.

Even in the blog world, you'll come across those that are jealous. I've read several blogs recently where bloggers have had to 'address' those that have left a mean anonymous comment or have publicly announced that they will stop allowing anonymous comments altogether. In one case, a reader accused the blogger of copying a particular design that she had in fact created a few years ago and had thankfully documented in many places to rebut the comment and state her case.

The jealous write snarky comments on someones blog or make wrongful accusations about someones character or blog content, to feel better about themselves but usually do not reveal who they are, hiding under the 'anonymous' cloak. Deep down it's not the blog they don't like, it's most likely themselves, their unhappiness and their life. They are jealous of a particular blogger's level of success, don't see their own blog, website, shop or life as the success that they had hoped for and begin to compare themselves with others. As you might remember, I wrote this recent blog post on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. Since jealousy if often associated with comparing, I covered how to stop comparing and live your life to the fullest.

Having said that, I'm so thankful that I haven't encountered that here at all. After all, this blog is for women who want to be classy and fabulous and being jealous or cruel certainly wouldn't qualify as such. I like being able to provide you with the privacy you might desire from time to time in some of the deeper posts, so you can leave an anonymous comment. Thank you for being the kind readers that you truly are who allow me to do so. :)

Another aspect is an ungrateful attitude and spirit. When you are content with and grateful for what you have, there is no need to compare with others or feel jealous over what someone else possesses. If you are not feeling particularly grateful, perhaps now is the time to truly evaluate all of the many wonderful things that exist in your life that you may have overlooked. Think about your family, health, home, transportation, friends, talents, etc. There is bound to be a lot of good there, sometimes you just need to dig deeper.

The important thing to remember in  moments of having jealous thoughts is that while things may seem rosie posie for the person in question today, you don't always know what that person had to endure even ten years ago or for the past several years to get to where they are today. Maybe they had to lose a parent to attain the kind of wealth they now have, given the choice I'm sure they would choose family over money anyday. Perhaps someone who has a lovely family tried for several years to get pregnant or had to undergo several rounds of IVF treatments,etc., to get to where she is today. Maybe unbeknownst to you, a colleague spent their weekends taking classes to build up their resume and experience level to get their well-deserved promotion. We don't know what we don't know, which is why we should never judge a book by its cover or covet what someone else has.

What most don't realize is that jealousy itself is often the root of anger. There are many frustrated people angrily shaking their fists to the heavens because things aren't going as they would like, as they may have planned. They harbor resentment of what another has, and cannot understand why it has not been given to them too.

For those who are interested in a spiritual perspective, God reveals through the Bible that:

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." ~Proverbs 14:30 KJBV 


"Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?" ~Proverbs 27:4 NIV


"And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." ~Ecclesiastes 4:4 NIV


James 3:16 says, "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."

From this wisdom, we learn that wrong thinking produces wrong living. When we have thoughts of jealousy or feelings of envy, our lives will be characterized by confusion, disorder, and worthlessness. Nothing good comes from an evil and jealous spirit. Dealing with jealousy is essential!

We were all meant to have different experiences and blessings in life, and were not meant to all be imitations of one another in appearance, experiences or possessions. I truly believe that we will only be given greater things and opportunities when we can first be satisfied with not only what we have today, but can also rejoice in someone else's blessings. When the people around us are happy and fulfilled, they’ll naturally spread those feelings to those around them. This is something that we should embrace, not avoid. It is far better to be surrounded by people who are doing better than ourselves in some way than by those who are unhappy.
One of the best questions to ask yourself when experiencing such thoughts is, "What am I really afraid of?"

I felt led to write this post and share it with you all, and am hoping it will be a timely blessing to someone who needs to hear it. I don't know a single person that hasn't been affected by jealousy at one time or another in their life. As you know, my passion is to share messages that allow you all to live your best life being the classy women that you dream of being- feeling confident, grateful and joyful.

I wish you all a wonderful week!

xo

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

From a young age we have learned to compare ourselves and what we have to others. Little Mary has the prettier doll or Johnny has better snacks in his lunchbox. It's no surprise then that as we get older the comparison progresses further to the level of education and career opportunities, wealth, physical appearance, the size of a home or a shiny, new car. At the root of all comparison is really just fear and jealousy. Fear that you may never be as fit, as successful in a chosen career, as good of a cook or even as pretty as another and often times feelings of jealousy will come about as a result. It also has a lot to do with our innate need for reassurance.

Today's post was inspired by an acquaintance and her husband. In the past they've shared with me that they feel the need to keep up with the Jones' and as a result, it has kept them on a treadmill of performance. Every party they throw, gift they buy one another and home they purchase is trendy, a financial stretch and grand. It has ultimately kept them from being truly content and it has spilled into other areas of their life.

All of this comparing contibutes to a low self esteem which isn't helpful. Often times when people compare themselves to others they end up comparing their own weaknesses to the other person's strengths. This is hardly a fair or accurate comparison.

The truth is that we were all given unique skillsets, relationships, beauty, intelligence, a sense of humor and creativity. We've all been given specific opportunities at different times and choose to make sacrifices which may be different from that of others. For example, some friends and acquaintances have confessed to hubby and I that they would love to travel and visit the countries we step foot on, but the truth is that we save and sacrifice in many areas to make it happen. We traded renovating and giving our home the ultimate design overhaul, along with having just one solid car versus two (it turns out that for nearly 4 years we really haven't needed a second car anyway, just a rental here and there), to see the world at a time when we do not have little ones. It is available to many, but there is a cost.

We would all be wise to learn from some of the most successful people. They keep their eye on the prize, work diligently and don't have time to waste looking in the rearview mirror or out of their side windows at their competition either. The key is to work towards your own goals and dreams and forget about 'what everybody else is doing'. Many women worry that they won't be a good enough mother or wife. Just being there for your spouse and children and loving them wholeheartedly is what matters most. We don't do ourselves any good by worrying about things in advance. All we can do is give life our best effort every single day and know that we are moving forward in new and positive ways.

If we aren't happy with where we're at, a change may be in order. Sometimes a bit of 'healthy' comparison to someone whom we admire is just what we need to catapult ourselves in the right direction. Do learn from them but don't try to become them.

5 Ways to Stop Comparing Yourself with Others


1. Become Aware- Try to immediately recognize when you start having feelings of comparison. Many people do this unconsciously, but it is important to make yourself aware so that you can change your thought pattern to something productive and positive.

2. Focus on the Good-In these moments tell yourself what you love about yourself or think about what you are thankful for. For example: Maybe it's your wit, smile, beautiful children, amazing husband, etc. Do not spend time dwelling on or beating yourself up about what you don't have. Also, think about your strengths. Take the focus off of your weaknesses or past failures and praise yourself for the things that you do well. Be proud of yourself and move towards your goals with only your strengths in mind.

3. Embrace Imperfection- Acknowledge the fact that nobody in this world is perfect, no matter how others may appear from the exterior. Endeavoring to 'improve' and become your personal best is a valuable use of your time and energy, striving for perfection will only make you feel frustrated. The imperfections make you who you are and in fact make you 'perfect' just the way you are. There will ALWAYS be someone faster, funnier, smarter, more fit, more youthful looking for their age, the list goes on.

4. Compare Yourself Only to YOU- One of the single best methods for measuring success is not by competing with or comparing yourself with others but it is by becoming a little bit better than you were last week, last year or even last decade, etc. Focus on your overall journey of life. Life was never intended to be a competition. We are all on our own journey to learn, love, create and become. That journey doesn't have anything to do with how other people are doing, or what they have. It does, however,  have everything to do with what you want to do, and where you want to go. That should be the only focus.

5. Discover Your Purpose-The most important thing you can do for yourself is to find your purpose in this world. If you have not yet found it, you may want to read multiple books on the subject, spend some time alone thinking about what you enjoy most and what you most dream of doing, if money were no object. You may also want to invest in a life coach who can help reveal to you (based on information that you share with them) what your purpose might be. By learning what your unique purpose is, you'll find new meaning and passion in your life that you never knew before. When you have a laser-like focus on what you are called to do, these comparisons and the thoughts about what everyone else is working on (or which direction they're going in) will become unimportant. You'll be so busy fulfilling your own life's calling that you won't have time to dwell on or compare your life and yourself to others.

ONE FINAL NOTE....

Be especially wary of comparing yourself to celebrities, political and public figures or those with extreme advantages. Even though they might serve as inspiration or a role model in your mind, you cannot ignore their priveledges. As it pertains to beauty (because so many women struggle with this area), many female singers, actresses, socialites and political figures have access to pricey personal trainers, makeup artists, publicists to promote their career, hair stylists, clothing designers and stylists and wealth that are not the norm for most. Imitating their fashion on a budget is one thing, but putting yourself down because you don't look just like Heidi Klum after having four kiddos is another. After all, a lot of times fashion editors use a little tool called photoshop. *wink*

I'd love to hear your thoughts or personal stories. As always, anonymous comments are welcome. :)

Have a lovely day!




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